For now, I wish...

Things are getting a bit awkward around me. No else would be bothered about that other than me. There is nothing substantial that I am doing in my profession. Nothing at all in personal life. I remeber one of the poems that I wrote few weeks back. "Yes its true, I don't wanna be here", which was written out of a thought. But now, almost every word in it is coming true. For the time being, everthing in that part of my literature is coming alive.

"The world out here, seems so cliqued".
Everyone is getting along with their life. No hi no hello. It is a bit awkward. I am not used to it. Even if I say hi, it doesn't mean that they should fire back one. But once in a while is we all would expect. Being an outcast is the worst thing u can ever imagine if you are a human being.

"Absurd are the ways, when people ask
More it gets, whenever I ask
Answers are all, that people want,
The answer I get, is always a taunt"
 
Its getting absurd every second of my day passing by. I am being questioned on matters that I have already proved my worth. I am unable to ask certain questions to people who I still trust. I do not doubt their actions. All I ask is why such indifference? How can someone have a partial attitude such that you are no more interested to believe in their ideals? It seems so fake. Fake is it? I hope not. Cause if its true, it would be the last time I'd trust someone with my heart. But then, I look back at my last blog. Expectations! Am I expecting something out of someone or is it myself?
 
There's no expectation from anyone. Its just that I wish this phase to pass.
 
I wish no sorrow,
I wish no pain,
I wish not to loose,
I wish no slain...

Expectations !

"Ha ha ha..."
"What happened?," asked my friend...
"Nothing yaar, kuch yaad aa gaya"., I replied

"Asia to kya yaad aya jo itna hasne ki zaroorat padi?," he asked again...

"Yad to bohot kuch aa raha hai aur hasi bhi.

"Ajib hai yaar tu, jab bhi koi joke yaad aata hai, akele akele has leta hai. Aur hasta hi rehta hai... Aur hasta bhi kaisa hai Khatarnaak..."

"Ha ha ha..."

"Dekha abhi bhi has raha hai"...

"Actually koi joke voke nahi yaad aa raha. I am laughing cause I'm unable to judge myself in a certain way. Tell me something. Did we sign a contract, ke bhai hum log zindagi mein achhe dost bane rahenge?... "

"Kisi dost se panga hua kya?"...

"Arey nahi yaar... Mein to aise hi generally soch raha that ke, dost, relatives, acquaintance vagera vagera.. sirf matlab ke liye banaye jaate hai ya phir kisi matlab se bante hai"

"Dekh yaar apna to life ka simple sa funda hai... Kaam khatam, aadmi khatam. Kuch hi log aise hote hai jinpe aap zindagi ke liye bharosa kar sakte ho. Woh chahe relatives ho, ya dost... Yea wohi log hote hai jo zarurat ke time pe kaam mein aate hai.."

"Wahi... there, u see.. you also said the same thing.... Kuch hi log hote hai jinpe bharosa kiya jaa sakta hai... aur zarurat ke time pe kaam mein aate hai..."

"Haan to?"

"Matlab yehi na.. ke kuchh hi logon pe bharosa karo... taaki aapki expectation ko zyada thhes na pohche yehi na..."

"Haan.. but mein kuch samja nahi..."

"Arey sirf itna keh raha hoon ke bhale hi dost ho ya koi aur.. kya relation isliye rakhe jaate hai kyon ki hame unse kuch chahiye ya phir aise hi..."

"Jaise?"

"Jaise, mein aise dost chunu jo zarurat padne par kaam aaye, yaa phir mein aise dost banau jisko jab zarurat pade to woh mujhe yaad kare... phir chahe bhul jaye...chalega"

"Yea sab achanak kahan se aa raha hai? Nakki kuch locha hai"

"Arey yaar kuch locha nahi hai... And I am not bothered that much... I've seen few people in my life who do not expect anything from their friends ... Literally nothing... Entirely selfless... and yes I am not lying.."

"Toh?"

"Toh yea ke agar abhi tak maine kuch expect nahi kiya hai toh woh mere achhe dost hai. But, if I am in need of something and they are not able to help... , again they might have their reasons... should i stop talking to them or something.?

"Ofcourse not, not at all."

"I believe you're speaking my language."

"Hmmm."

"And what do you think about the "friends" who stop interacting or sharing with you just because you could not lend a helping hand due to some constraints?"

"Well in that case you can do nothing. Its an individual choice. However, if you feel like talking to them, just give them a buzz. Its as simple as that."

"Hmmm. And if they do not intend to reciprocate, maybe they should not be bothered so much. One should leave them and in case if they turn back for something, u should never say no. Right?

"Bulls Eye"

"Hmmm. So do not expect anything from anyone, but be ready to fulfill their expectations. Eh!"

"Yes, cause as they say, EXPECTATIONS FROM OTHERS ALWAYS LEADS YOU TO DITCH. HA HA HA HA HA".

And he too laughed with me...

I met her again - was it a dream or reality?

"My heart it speaks a thousand words,
I feel Eternal bliss,
The roses spout, their scarlet mouths,
Like offering a Kiss,


No drop of rain, No glowing flame,
Has ever been so pure
If being in love can feel like this,
Then I'm in love for sure."

Yes the winds are taking a different turn. Things are changing for a better run. I feel its not going to be the same. Few sleepless nights, few shivery frights is on the roll now. The summer no longer perspires me. Sipping off cold water creates a heat down the throat. Every face I encounter, seems like smiling, and for the one that is not, motivates me to make them smile.

Why is this happening to me? I have an answer to it. I have a reason to it. Have u have you ever got something without asking. And that thing which you wanted, you never asked for, you got it is a person of who you are longing for since eternity. Feels like the air is enchanted by twinkling stars. Feels like daffodils have started ringing way too far.

Yes I met her again. She was standing, Near a light pole on the road side. Vehicles were passing by. Pedestrians were walking by. Vehicles were flashing lights on her. I could virtually see her on the center stage with all the fog lights on her. Pedestrians were just having a neck ache and i could feel it right there. There she was, charming, amazing, glittering like never before. And guess what, I found her looking at me. Why not? I'was the one in her life too. (But that's another story) Her eyes screamed out my name on seeing me. Her lips broadened far to the ends. Her sparkling teeth started gazing through a tiny window of her lips. Her eyes were glowing, her breath was flowing. I could feel her near me even though I was a bit far from her. I was so much in a bliss that I could only watch her from a distance.

I gained my consciousness and walked towards her. I greeted her with all I might. I tried to do that with all my plight. She just said a simple "Hi", for me which was nothing less than to die. Why was I feeling such now for her. Oh! I've known her since ages. She was the one and I couldn't even realize it. I smiled back and greeted with a Hi. Wow what a wonderful feeling that was....

'How are you today?," I held her hand.

"Fine, how are you?",.. She smiled back.

"Should we have some coffee?" I asked...

"Sure."

We sat on a table nearby. Well it was a roadside coffee shop with the tables on the footpath. The light pole was next to our table. We were still holding our hands when the waiter came in and asked for the order to which we both replied "COFFEE". Ek hi aawaz mein... We were in sync or maybe it was the connection we had.

"I missed you a lot. How have you been? You don't even bother to tell me? Why didn't you call me... etc etc... and she threw all the questions she could.

All I could do was stare at her when she rocked her lips. I was least bothered about who else was present there. The waiter came and kept our coffee mugs on our table along with complementary cookies. I could hear to the vehicles passing by, I could hear people talking by. I could hear the waiter shouting out the orders, I could hear the honking on the road. The hawkers were getting along with their business on the street. The candyman was ringing his bells with smile to greet. But who bothered about all these. I only looked at her and listened to what she was saying.

"Arey, are you even listening?.

"YES, I am go on.. I am hearing your voice after a long time..."

"What?"

"Yes, its been long that I heard you voice. Please go on..."

HA HA HA.... We both laughed... What a wonderful laugh after a wonderful smile... It was all happening there.

At that time I observed many people were looking at us. They were staring as if they have never seen a couple sitting like this. It felt so special. And yes, special it was. We were special for each other atleast.

"By the way, why don't you sing a song for this lovely lady?... asked an old man sitting next to my seat. I wonder why suddenly he asked me to do that, but I realized why not. After all, no one would mind that. He kept was looking at us for quite some time.

"Ofcourse..why not"... Said another guy sitting next to the old man.

"Ok...would you like to hear it, dear?" I asked her...

She just smiled back and blinked her eyes twice. God! I know how much I like her blinking eyes.

And then, I sang...

"Aawaz do humko, hum kho gaye,
Kab neend se jaage, Kab so gaye,
Mar jaayenge, hum agar,
dur tumse ho gaye..."

The atmosphere was filled with fragrance of flowers, the maple leaves were flying along with the gusting winds. I could feel those vibes.I felt as if she wanted to sing with me and yes, for the next lines of the song, she joined me and we both sang together.

The old man seemed happy. I'm sure he recalled his days when might have sung for his beloved.

"So how are you doing at you SALSA classes?, she asked suddenly.

"Oh wonderful. You would not believe, but I like it so much that I almost forget everything during that 1 hour."

"EVERYTHING?"

"I said almost everything, and that does not include you. Hey, why don't you join the class with me. Even we are going to perform on stage in June.

"No No..

"Arey it would be fun. Aur mein hoon to koi dikkat nahi hai...." I tapped her hand with mine.

"Well... actually.....


"AREY JAY. 7 VAAGI GAYA CHHE. UNDER JAINE SUI JAA." I thought why would someone think that I was sleeping and that too at a coffee table on the roadside?.

"UTH NE JALDI, MARE GHANU KAAM CHHE, UTH"

I opened my eyes and I saw the ceiling fan. It was on its full speed and my mom was leaning on me trying to wake me up from my sleep. I could not believe that scene. I tried to close my eyes again.

The dream was broken. Broken it was. It was still hard to believe that coffee shop was a dream. Whatever happened back there, I felt like it was happening right in front of me. How amazing she looked, how lovingly we were holding our hands and we sang a song too... But all that in a dream? Unbelievable.

The memory of the dream slowly started to diminish where her face was the first thing I forgot. Although I could remember, I did meet her before partially in my dreams, she was none of the faces I knew in reality and I was sure about it. But feeling did not go even when I woke up. I was feeling so strong about her even if she was in my dreams. I checked my contacts list to see whether her name was on the list. But couldn't even remember the name of lady in my dream, ha ha ha.Even the old man who sat next to our table seemed quite familiar, couldn't recognize him.

Sometimes, it gets too hard to believe, what is dream, what is reality. But for that instance, it was a reality for me.

Dream it was, reality this is,
Love it was, here I'm in bliss,
Her face I want, to see once again,
Her hands I want, to feel once again,

Believing is hard, was easy to trust,
She was there,with a flow of gust
I wish once more, nap to that state
Will cross the alps, will break all gates

PS: The lines at the beginning of the post are taken from the song O Ri Chhori from Lagaan.