Altered - Native

Today as I write this down, my heart is sinking for some unknown reason. Never felt it before, but a grudge, a silence, a stupid notion, an ambiguity, an uncertainty, an unexpected chill is running through the spine. My eyes have started brimming up and the heart beats have gone heavy enough to realize something unusual has happened or is about to happen. I just don't know What.


My thoughts are crucifying my feelings at every instance. I am yet to understand why such irregular behavior has got into me. Usually, I've been a person who loves to speak, loves to listen. I've never been in a situation where I am unable to find someone to speak with. Somehow, the listeners for me are no more around, or maybe, I am unable to see them. It must be due to the translucent view that I have against my eyes. Don't know Why.


There are good news and bad news and then there are news that are hard to judge, GOOD or BAD. Well good news generally lightens up the environment. But in my case I am not even moved or doesn't even feel like tapping a feet even once. Dilemma and Desperation, is something I am unable to justify. For the first time in my life I feel like I am at a cross road which has no exit. No direction, no indication. Intuitions are also not helping. Feel like getting out of this. I wonder When.


I've started blaming others for something or the other and sometimes with no evident reason. I have started refraining from others for an instance or the other. Does one person change the way you think, the way you behave? I've learnt things the way they came. Relationships was my forte. But now things are quite the opposite. Once full of fun have now nowhere to run. I was never like this. I suspect someone behind this. Need to find out Who.


It's true that things do not happen the way we want. And then things happen the way we don't even expect them to. Waving a simple Hi has become more tedious than fixing a shoe lace. Doing something for the sake of doing it has become a style of working. Neglecting an important person has become a wonderful obsession. Rude jesting is the new code of conduct. Apprehension has become the act of dignity. It's time I should change. Just don't know How.

To My Heart

I have known, not so late,
Mean in mind, full of hate,

My heart you are bad,
You have lost the taste

Trust was what, once stayed in you,

Long lost love, can't find in you

Faces I've seen, Faces I've known

Faces that are, are quite unknown,

Wish u smile, wish you gain,

Wish no sorrow, wish no pain,

Heart, you are known, as full of love,

You are so pure, as one like dove,

Your grateful stride, keeps people alive

Peace n love , is what I strive

You are in pain, you are in cry

You are a disdain, you are left to die

People there are, who want you hard

You are like gem, for them like a shard
Then tell me what, you long so more
Gusto is over, now open the door

To my heart I say, U wait n watch
To my heart I tell, Its just a notch
For once in you, the flow will start
For once its true, I'm true to my heart

I hope it dwells no longer !

We are not talking as much as we used to. I've partially sorted it out. Maybe he keeps his grudges and I keep mine. For the reason that I've been a close observer to his behavior, it has surprised me many a times. Learning and Laughter has been my major interaction with him. I respect him as a member of my family. But I am unable to position myself the way I want to? I've tried my best and its still not enough. At times, I think : Is he a person with a trait who doesn't bother much after his need is over or he forgets the moments spent together? I am yet to get answer to these questions and even conclude whether the question is right!

Still, the question remains. Why have we started refraining ourselves from each other? Is it my perception or is it what I'm experiencing? I believe both of us are quite aware about the situation, yet we do not intend to even highlight it. Strange are the ways when we talk to each other. We often throw answers at each other even before the questions are asked. I do not feel good doing so as later on it fills me with regret.

He often says that I am a very good friend in his list and it sounds good when I hear it. But I am yet to feel it. Even after his strange attitude and behavior, I could never think ill about him. Sometimes I try to, but fail in doing so. Maybe that's my trait. I forgive and forget. Many a times, I feel bad about him not because the way we interact but the way he treats himself. He  illustrates certain ways which people do not expect from a person like him, including me. I wish he understands it soon.

I might be young to tell him all that but I wish him all peace and happiness. People ask me many a times as to how do I manage to be friends with him. All I do is just smile back. Honestly, I've no reasons why I do not want to be in bad terms with him. Maybe the corals do not blame the sea when the current is rough.

I cannot promise - I do promise

I cannot promise you that I will not change,

I cannot promise you that I will not have many different moods,

I cannot promise you that I will not hurt your feelings sometimes

I cannot promise you that I  will not be erratic

I cannot promise you that I will always be strong

I cannot promise you that my faults will not show

But

I do promise you that I will always be supportive to you

I do promise you that I will share all my thoughts and feelings with you

I do promise you that I will give you freedom to be yourself

I do promise you that I will understand everything that you do

I do promise you that I will be completely honest with you

I do promise you that I will laugh and cry with you

I do promise you that I will help you achieve all your goals                                        


And above all, I'll be the hand  to wipe your tears when you cry 
and will become eyes that cry when your hand is hurt. 

All I just said was not enough

All I just said was not enough, telling you all was so tough,

I still don't believe you turned up, Felt it so good, no more rough  

I've been wanting to say for so long,
I've been wanting to mean no wrong,
I've been feeling it so strong
I'd want you to stay along

All I just said was not enough, telling you all was so tough
I'm glad you came to meet, Felt it so good, no more rough

Telling you all was not so full,
And stories of past was just a pull,
You heard it all like a mull,
You seemed so grown, so cool

All I just said was not enough, talking to you was no more tough
I might have been dumb telling all, Felt it so good, no more rough

I hope my words didn't make you feel bad,
I tried to use whatever words I had,
What can I say, I am just a lad,
Just talk if need, but don't be mad,

All I just said was not enough, telling you more won't be tough
I'd love to tell you more, Would feel so fine, no more rough