Why is it that I can feel her only in my dreams? - Realization - (Part - 4)

"YES", is very much a relative term.

Do you want money? YES, one would like to have it.
Do you want satisfaction? YES, one would want it.
Do you want success? YES, one would desire it.

Do you want to fall in love? Aah!, now that's a tricky question isn't it.

Of course it is. Well I know you'd have your ready answer if I ask you, and you'd blow it on my face, but, the truth is everyone wants to be loved, pampered and cared by someone special. It would be quite obvious if people say YES. What will you name a person who says NO? A moron, dumb, insensitive and unrealistic pig, who doesn't know the difference between puddle and pond. But tell me, what is the difference? Puddle is dirtier than pond or pond is more clean as compared to puddle, isn't it? So if YES is the pond and NO is the puddle, I'd prefer puddle. Seems like you are thinking, my past experience has made choose the puddle. I've lost my heart and I don't want to understand why pond is not necessary, isn't it? Aah! my answer is NO! see... ha ha ha...

Remember?, Deep down I had a feeling. There is somebody else... It was about time I realized, WHO?

                                                                                       ---

As the days were passing by, my conversation with friends would never cross beyond the topic of general discussion which usually people would have. Things were going fine, just the usual, ciggs and the tea and few jokes here and there. No doubt I was teased several times on not having a girlfriend and that made me giggle, blush and sometimes laugh. I don't know what people have in their mind while "selecting" a girl/boy as their love interest.

"Arey yaar tu koi girlfriend kyu nahin dhoondh leta?" As if the girlfriend is lying just around the corner. It sounded like asking for a cup of sugar from the neighbor.

"Arey bhai, ghar mein girlfriend khatam ho gayi thi, ek cup girlfriend milegi?"

I'd mostly remain silent to what these friend(s) of mine would ask? Sometimes though, I would revert with the same answer ... you know it...

"Arey mein to pasand kar bhi ...." .

I had been through all these conversations and conclusions before. One thing I knew, Love never happens intentionally. If it happens intentionally, it is Lust. Tum jaan bujh ke kisi se pyar nahi kar sakte. You'd have heard somebody asking," Kya aap mujhse dosti karengi/karoge?", but have you heard someone asking,"Kya aap mujse pyar karoge/karengi?" How ridiculous, isn't it?

                                                                                           ---

I've seen many friends falling in love and eventually getting married. I used ask them questions like,

1. What do you like about your beloved?
Ans. Oh! I like her/his smile.
         I like the way she/he looks at me.
         I like her/his eyes.
         (these are few of the answers that I've got, you can add it in your list)

2. What do you think about the nature of your beloved?
Ans. Oh! He/She is so caring.
        He/She is so supportive in whatever I do.
        He/She always ensures that I am not hurt.

3. Do you think your partner is sensible enough?
Ans. Oh! yes, of course. He/she always remembers my birthday..(Heh?)
        He/She always respects my feelings.
        He/She always treats my parents equally as his/her parents. (Oooh!)

4. So are these reasons enough to love that person?
Ans. Ah! yes, hamein aur kya chahiye, besides he/she might be also feeling the same right

This makes me remember a famous Gujarati song,

Tari aankh no afini, taara bol no bandhani,
Tara roop ni poonam no paagal eklo,

[I am doped by your eyes, I am bound by your words
I am the only crazy one mesmerised with your looks]

That seems to be the typical way of expression. Wonderful song by the way.

                                                                                   ---
I met her in a very usual circumstance. I had my hi and hello. And that's all I had. But that's all was not destined to. Days were passing by and so were the meetings. Still nothing bloomed. Whenever we met, we cracked jokes on things that we observed and we discussed about the creativity that exists in this world. All these was limited though, when on that day I learnt that she was ill.

A strong sensation ran through my spine and I felt almost a shiver through my body which made me recall those moments we shared. It was the moment of truth for me. For the first time I was having a different feeling while thinking about her. I just didn't know why? What if I loose her. You know thought runs faster than light and thus, I was on mars few secs back and now I was on earth. I had already thought a lot and now it was time to ask her how she was?

"Hey how are you doing? U not well?"
"Yes, halki si sardi aur zukham hai" (Haash, ab shanti hui)

All we had was Hi and Hello between us.  But still I was falling for it...I asked those questions to myself.

1. Was it because I liked something in her? I never noticed anything consciously
2. Was it because I liked something in her nature? It never clicked my mind
3. Did I ever judge her on sensibility? I never thought of it.
4. Was I having any reasons why I was falling for her? I am sure there is, but I find it hard to define, rather, its impossible for me to define it.

"NO" as an answer to these questions made me conclude on what I was going through... I was in Love...

Why is it that I can feel her only in my dreams? - Conscience - (Part - 3)

I woke up with a new feeling. That song, was still loud in my ears. It was an experience that I wanted to have in reality. Nevertheless, dream it was and dream it remained. It was a mixed feeling which I had. I knew that girl I saw, but was completely unknown to me. I was confused. But, I was glad about one thing,"Mujhe bhi ladkiyo ke hi sapne aate hai".

Next day was full of bliss. I felt I had seen something eternal. I am sure you'd think how eternal it can be. Par, yea baat wohi samajh sakta hai jisko pyar ka matlab pata chalta ho. Huh! I was smiling all day. Many of my colleagues noticed this.

They asked me the reason behind my unusual smile, to which I replied," Haaah!, ab kya kahu, mujhe pyaar ho gaya hai!"

One of them replied,"Yea to iska roz kaa hai, kisina kisi se to ise pyar ho hi jaata hai."

"Haan, haan mein to dil phek aashiq hoon na, aur phir tum kya jaano pyar ka hota hai.. Pyar is like..."

"Bas be zyada hawa mein mat ud... Kisse pyar ho gaya hain tereko?"

"Mujhe? Mujhe pyar se pyaar ho gaya hai.(I am in love with love)"

Everybody laughed.
                                                                                      
My mohter on seeing the same smile asked,"Shu vaat chhe. Bau form ma laage chhe. Chhokri gami gai ke shu? Keto hoi to ena ghare jaine vaat kariye?"

"What? No its nothing like that. I am just happy today. Besides there are other reasons with me to be happy."

"Oh! eva to kaya kaaran chhe?"

I couldn't answer that and I blushed.

"Beta, I am your mother, ne hu taari Chhatthi jaanu chhu.(I know your sixth sense), tara maate ek navu maagu aavyu chhe keto hoi to aapde malva jaiye"

"Na na, eni jarur nai pade" I don't know why I replied that way.

"Em to pachhi tu ke tya jaiye."

I went straight to my room and wondered why did I say that.

                                                                                     ---

I was just finishing to browse when my friend pinged me. It was quite a surprise for me. She had never pinged me late in the evening. We rolled on with regular conversation. And the topic turned towards marriage and spouses. Somehow, I was talking to her with a different feeling. I just didn't know why.

"These guys in the office, they are such dogs. Na jaan na pehchan, bas aise hi propose kar dete hai!"

"Achha kya baat hai."

"Haan aur kya? I mean abhi 1 din bhi nahi hua aur date ke liye puchh lete hai. Arey date pe aise kaise chale jaayein. Thodi jaan pehchan badhe to thik hai!"

"To matlab agar jaan pehchan wala ho to uska chance hai, kyu?"

"Haan haan, ofcourse, but, chance hai, final nahi"

"So then I guess, if someone who knows you and you know that someone,a date can be arranged right?"

"Umm.. maybe.. but I am not sure"

"Well what if that someone is like me?"

"Toh mein soch bhi sakti hoon"

"Toh phir sochh aur phir mujhe bata"

That was the most unusual way a guy would have proposed a girl. Was that even a proposal? Yea right!

"Kya matlab? soch aur phir mujhe bata"

"Matalab ke soch aur phir mujhe bata."

"You are not serious, are you?"

"Mein bilkul serious hoon." I was still wondering why I was saying this. I am sure the girls like to be proposed in a more typical manner or rather an unusual manner. Unusual! I guess this was one of the innovative style.

"But, yaar .... I mean, tu mazaak to nahi kar raha hai?"

Girls like to be loved. They want someone to praise them, in true sense. They always feel that they should be desired. And when somebody does ask,,, they feel surprised. They don't feel like believing what they've just heard.

"Nahi yaar, mein mazaak nahi kar raha hoon"


The conversation continued... and I asked her to think about it for few days.

"Take your time... But don't desert on the answer"

                                                                             ---

Few days passed without any conversation. She didn't revert on what I had asked for. I understood what she would have thought. However, I did not want to assume anything. This interval gave me a chance to ponder on what I wanted. All this time, I was still wondering why did I "propose" her. That was not even a proposal. Somewhere deep in my heart I was not convinced with myself. How can a person, someone like me, fall for someone without L factor. A dream is a dream afterall. Its not reality. I recalled many dreams during my introspection which had similar experiences. I realized I was not in Love. I cannot fool a person if I am not in love.

It was getting lot more harder for me to tell her that what ever I said was just by fluke. Sounds crazy doesn't it. I was ready to accept YES as an answer, but deep down in my heart i yearned for a No. My conscience was shaking me. She was my friend and I should not lie to her about it.

Maamu let jaa, teri to waat lagne waali hai. I was thinking of a way to find out how to apologize to her when.,

"Busy hai?"

"Kuchh Khas nahi"

"Baat karni thi, free ho tab batana"

"Mein free hoon, tu bol, mein sun raha hoon"

"First of all, I am sorry that I didn't talk to you for last few days."

"Its ok, I am sure you would have stuck somewhere between your work and family. So tell me how's life?"

"Remember you had asked for......So then, the date is final. Please reach there on time, rest I'll tell you once we meet. Baba aani aai la bhetaila paije, nantar aapan goshti karuya"

E hooo.. I was going to meet her parents, his kid brother and few other friends who were there with us in the school. Her family members were quite unknown to me, but I thought it will be an easy session as she's going to be there with me.

Haah! you'd say I am so mean. Ek baaju mana kar raha hai doosri taraf ladki ke rishtedaaron se setting mein laga hai... Well, what's wrong in it. After all it was marriage time. Her family members had chosen a groom for her. The date was final. I remember meeting her mother when we were in school and her brother was in my younger sister's class. Her relatives can definately take a helping hand from me.

                                                                                 ---

So, it happened and it happened well. One fine day after the marriage we touched upon the topic where I had made this proposal to her. We laughed and laughed. Her husband joined in too. Oh by the way the name of the groom was Mr. Sachin Usgaokar.

In a way, my conscience saved me from loosing my friend. It made me realize the fact. Deep down I had a feeling. There is somebody else... It was about time I realized, WHO?

Why is it that I can feel her only in my dreams - A new begining (Part-2)

Desert which deserts pepole, was no longer there. I was with the people who matter the most in my life. My partents and my sister. We all were meeting after 3 months straight. It was a relief that I was home. A new begining! No more nightmares about the past! No more phone calls that are argumentive! No more replies that do not suffice your partner's hunger for answers. What I thought would be a Thomas Crown affair was just another day in my life.

                                                                            ---

A new begining it was. I received a call from one of my friend about an opening with an organization which was known to me. It was over a week that I was at home relaxing day and night, hence I chose to give it a shot. I was all set for the interview. I was not at all worried. Never bothered what happened. I knew what ever I'd do I'll do well. And so it turned out that I was interviewing the selectors rather than they asking me questions. I concluded not to join the organization although it would have been a stop gap arrangement. Ek baar paisa kamana shuru karo to phir aadat ho jaati hai.

I was out of any dependency that would make me weaker against any situation. I didn't apply anywhere else. Why would I cause I knew deep in my heart that if something ends unexpectedly, something starts unexpectedly too. Lo and behold. The day came and I was asked to join my previous organization in my hometown. And without any hesitation I took the offer. Not because I was jobless, but because something was calling me. My passion towards that organization. My first love. This was the place from where I started my career. I'd call it, Almamater

I believe, coming back to Almamater was just a sign that things are going to change. A change for good. I was welcomed back by everyone. I met all those who got trained under me. They were more excited than me to find me back in Almamater.

                                                                           ---

Days were passing by, and I had been meeting new people in my hometown. They were new by face, race and pace. Ha ha and I was right there with a new face, in the race and with an extra pace. I always believe, if you "fail" at some point of time bounce back with extra power. No one would remember that you faltered. Life seemed to be in back on track. A new track...Untill that day!

I received a call from a friend. We were school friends and the last time we saw each other, 13 years had gone by. Never so close, suddenly we found each other to be the best pals around. Although not in the same town, we talked a million stars. Surprisingly we never talked so much even when we were in school. Yes, it happens sometimes. When there is a new begining, things seem to be new. All around the place. Hmmm... the vibes... the chats... the talks... all was having a different perspective.

When you interact for a longer time, you discover that the person on the other side has got somewhat similar experience with the life. She being a girl was bold enough to narrate the entire story to a person who was friend only though calls & chats. I should have felt sorry for her, but I didn't. Instead I developed compassion and care. I don't know how often it happens to others but it did happen to me.

                                                                          ---

I celebrated my birthday with the same old pals who were there in the begining. It was fun. We boozed and partied at our favourite desitnation which is somewhat 135 KMs away from here. Nobody was at content. We were laughing like wild beasts which eventually turned in roars. One of our pals struck the chord and topic of life partners and spouses errupted. I was doomed, being the youngest in the group. I had completed 25 years and these talli guys were asking me to get married..Sounds similar doesn't it.

I said,"Mein to pasand karbhi loon, mujhe bhi to koi pasand karna chahiye!".

"Kya baat kar raha hai, tujhe to koi problem nahi honi chahiye! Yea saala batayega nahi. Chhup ke shaadi kar lega aur phir ghar pe aake bolega.. Daada, yea dekho meri biwi!"

"Ha ha ha........" and the laughter continued

                                                                         ---

My mom was in ecstacy. She had received a marriage proposal for her 25 year old boy. But her ecstacy turned gloomy. I didn't mean to hurt her. But, I would not want to marry a person I didn't know. I'd rather fall in love again and then marry her. I told her the truth and she embraced me gracefully. She took me in her lap and a tear drop rolled on her cheek. I knew what she was thinking. We didn't talk much and I slept in her lap while she purred my hair.

That night I met my friend. I was meeting her after 12 long years. What happened when I met her?.. Here's the story http://eternalorchid.blogspot.com/2010/05/i-met-her-again-was-it-dream-or-reality.html. Read it on

I was feeling all charged up. A feeling that would always make me feel elated. I had read it somewhere,"If you see a person you like, in your dreams, you must be in love"... Hmmm....

Why is it that I can feel her only in my dreams - Acceptance (Part-1)

It was the peak of Summer and wind was burning the epidermis to the core. I'was returning from the land of desert to my place where my parents lived. It was not a fun trip. I used to do the thing I loved as my profession, Training (which I still do by the way). Recession had taken its toll on everyone and I believe no one was left unaffected. People were getting jobless. The wind was too hot on me. I was recalling all that had happened over my tenure. It was an amazing experience. Yes, I was asked to leave although with no grudges, I accepted it. I knew I had done well. Well, beyond my expectations and that's what mattered me the most. I realized, that my power lies in accepting the way as they come and that moment onwards I stopped blaming others for what was happening to me. I am not being modest but that was a change that I managed within me.

                                                                        ---

A month before that I got another amazingly shocking news. The love of my life chose somebody over me. Well, that was just the begining. She had guts to call me up and I had no words to question her back. My acceptance acted again. I received a call from her fiance. It was summer. I was suffering the heat on my skin and now the heat was burning me from within. I am sure you'd cry out loud. Most of them do. So did I. But with a difference, couldn't roll on my tears. How could I? Acceptance was still there. I was with my best pals on a vacation. And I was glad no body noticed that. Nor did I tell this to anyone. What difference would that make?

I came out of the hotel room and called up my mom,

"Hello, Peli gaandi ni sagai thai gai chhe! Ene congrats kai deje!

 "Pan evu to kevi rite possible chhe?

"E je kai pan hoi ene phone kari ne kai deje, tara paase number to chhe j!" I hung up the call. You'd wonder who would call up mom and ask her to congratulate the girl who just ditched you. Well guess what, I did that. Why did I do that? She was more close to her than me, in a real sense.

                                                                            ---

I was driving while travelling through the desert. With all the thoughts that were running in my head, I suddenly realized that I was not alone. I was accompanied by a person. A friend of mine who has been around me for "donkey years". So then, I was driving and he was sitting next to me. He was talking, while I was thinking about what I had "lost" in past few days. And guess what, the topic slowly changed towards marriage. He told me that I should find a suitable girl and start thinking about settling down in life. He was not aware about what had happend a month back. I didn't even bother to tell him. I replied.

"Hmm, sounds like a wonderful idea. Mein to pasand karbhi loon, mujhe bhi koi pasand karna chahiye".

Believe it or not, but when I said this, my past experience evaporated and I was ready for a new begining. Since then, I've never thought of what had happened, untill today as I pen this down. You'd wonder why. Acceptance was the third traveller with us. Besides, I think this will act as a chapter in this storyline.